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It doesn’t feel like that awkward first meeting, it felt like… well, it felt like home. I smile at this memory knowing at the time that I didn’t know how often I would feel like this and how often I would say it. I come back to the reality of now and look up from his lap to view him in his own thoughts in front of the fire. His eyes are far away from me right now but he is still running his fingers through my hair. I wonder what he has on his mind. I feel a touch insecure, a feeling that is never far from me, is he thinking about me, about us, about someone else. I don’t know why this feeling doesn’t go away. It is always the thought that grips my heart. My thoughts move away to an earlier time again, I'm transported to the house on the court. My car has been left at a place far away and he takes me home. It is his, and hers, and I am not a welcomed guest that both would enjoy being there. I am his guest. I am bringing a secret into this space. I should feel bad or out of place, but. Personally, I would have preferred not. It was still there, and my hand was cupping it! The shock and shame began again. Just like the day before. The squishy alieness of it was just as repellent as before. My manhood ripped away, with, well, my manhood. I had nothing. My only consolation was that one person knew what I had been, that I had mattered, that I had had accomplishments and pride.So I woke to a smaller world. The hardware store and school were it now. Duties and Obligations. So be it.Jason was rather surprised that I came out to the patio and assisted him with the rats before I went to work. Just because everyone else had magically forgotten my misdeed of the day before, I had not.More curiosities at the store, it was stocked much more than normal, a lot of back stock where we had kept just barely enough before, and more variety. We had always kept stock to the level that we could get at the longest credit, and our credit was not that good. Oh on paper, the store was worth.
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